I have some exciting news – I’ve been quietly working on creating an interview podcast!

It’s called Migration Patterns and my goal is to share stories of recent immigrants and new Canadians.

My aim for the podcast is to talk about the movement of people across the world and what takes us to our destination, and in this case, Canada. Immigration is needed in our nation and it is sometimes misunderstood. I hope by listening to stories that are different from our own, we will create new understanding about each other, find commonalities, and create new opportunities. The podcast does not aim to have political debate but to share the immigration experience.

So, I’m putting the call out into the interwebs!

Here are the details. Please, please, pleeeeeease share this blog post with any people you know whose story you would like to hear on a podcast. Or, if you are game and know your story is dope, sign up! Feel free to contact me on social media or email if you have further questions before signing up.

Who? Recent immigrants to Canada and New Canadians (in the last 5 years) who are willing to talk about their experience coming here, what special skills that they have brought with them, and to teach us a bit about their home.

What? A 30 minute podcast series where I interview recent immigrants to Edmonton who have a story to tell.

When? I’m aiming for 6 interviews to be done this winter/spring, that will then be edited and released as a bi-weekly series.

Where? Interviews to take place in Edmonton, Alberta. My plan is to have the podcast available on iTunes, GooglePlay and on my blog.

Fill out the podcast google form below with your story and contact details and I’ll be in touch. The form looks short but its built to expand for your answers! 

I recently wrote this after taking a webinar on Making Difficult Conversations Easy by the Effectiveness Institute. It was first published in my workplace newsletter. I’ve put the techniques into action a couple of times this month and they work! If conflict stresses you out, give it a whirl – you have nothing to lose.

Photo by John Mark Arnold

The most dreaded conversation starter must be “We need to talk.”

A typical reaction is to feel panic, discomfort, or dread. But what if that conversation didn’t have to be uncomfortable? For many it takes a lot of mental and emotional effort to deal with conflict, whether at home or in the workplace. However, conflict doesn’t always have to be negative.

By changing your approach, a positive outcome is entirely possible and isn’t as emotionally draining. In order to make those difficult conversations easier, first we have to delve into what triggers conflict.

1. Unmet Expectations

The conflict has developed due to something that did or didn’t happen, which was out of line with your own expectations.

2. Values Violation

Your values have been violated by the other’s behaviour or comments.

Obviously, these are both uncomfortable experiences. In reality, they happen quite often and our natural approach needs to be examined before we can learn new habits for addressing conflict in our lives.

Do you Fight or Fly?

There are usually two responses to conflict in the heat of the moment that everyone is very familiar with: Fight or Flight.

Ask yourself which of the actions or emotions of fight or flight you display when confronted with conflict.

Fight or flight are the go-to reactions when one feels that conflict is bad. Conflict is not good or bad, it is simply tension between two people over a particular situation. Conflict provides an opportunity for us to gently move towards a solution. In the workplace, reactions often start with flight and grow to fight. With the fight response, it’s easy to lose the “big picture” of the conflict and focus on the short term implications. This reaction doesn’t help the situation.

If conflict is approached as an opportunity to learn and fix problems, difficult conversations are handled better. In order to create a situation where this is possible, an atmosphere of safety must be present.

A person’s level of safety can vary depending on their approach to conflict. A safe environment is created by keeping each person’s dignity and trust intact throughout the discussion.

An unaddressed communication method that hovers below the surface of conflict conversation are assumptions based on behaviour, voice, appearance, and body language. People often make assumptions about others especially in times of conflict. Assumptions are damaging when trying to create a safe environment to solve conflict.

In order to reduce assumptions and avoid power struggles during times of conflict, be sure to ask open-ended questions for clarity and show (rather than tell) that you respect the person’s dignity.

Changing your outlook

In addition to creating a safe space, it’s important to look inward to evaluate your attitude towards the situation.

A reactive attitude is focused on the present or the past, tries to find blame, and makes conversation more difficult.

A proactive attitude is focused on the future, seeks clarity, and increases understanding between both parties. With a proactive attitude, you won’t go down that troublesome path of the past concerned with who did what, when, and how.

After creating the atmosphere of a safe space, how do you move ahead in the conversation? There are four steps to remember:

1. Give clear expectations.
2. Be specific and concrete.
3. Make sure the expectation is realistic.
4. Has the expectation been confirmed?

What happens if the expectation isn’t met?

This situation requires an accountability conversation but it can easily turn into a power struggle. The key is to ask WHY the expectations didn’t happen to seek clarity.

1. Start your conversation with ‘I’.

The conversation begins with less intense emotions rather than the finger pointing pronoun ‘you’. It also lets the other party know you are taking ownership for your feelings in the situation.

2. Pause.
3. Explain your feelings.
4. Provide a Way Out With Dignity (WOWD).

Keep a normal volume of voice, relax your muscles, ask what happened but don’t let go of the previous agreed upon expectation.

5. Keep questions open-ended.

There sure are a lot of techniques involved with making difficult conversations easier. The essentials are:

1. Change your outlook on conflict.
2. Check your assumptions.
3. Stay focused on the desired future.
4. Be clear on your expectations.
5. Ask for accountability.

Photo by Thomas Lefebvre

The tricky situations

Repeat Offenders – express your concern, identify what has happened, and ask “What do I need to do so the expectation can be met?”

Micromanagers – Ask for clarification on the level of authority you have and then possibly move into conversation about the impact the micromanager has on your productivity.

Over phone/text – Avoid addressing conflict using this method. The risk for misinterpretation is incredibly high. If you MUST, ask an open ended question. If the situation has a lot of emotion, use phone over text.

Negative past relationships – Try to recognize the other person is seeing the relationship differently. Avoid taking a ‘power stance’.

“Curiosity is unruly. It doesn’t like rules, or at least, it assumes that all rules are provisional, subject to the laceration of a smart question nobody has yet thought to ask. It disdains the approved pathways, preferring diversions, unplanned excursions, impulsive left turns. In short, curiosity is deviant.” – Ian Leslie

This introductory statement to Ian Leslie’s Curious: The desire to know and why your future depends on it, hit me like a meteor to the noggin. I can tell you that I didn’t consciously choose ‘curious’ as the title for this blog or as descriptor of myself four years ago with any philosophical thought on what curious meant. I was about to embark on a journey that was radically different to that of my upbringing and wanted to use my blog to approach the cultural differences with an open mind. Four years later, I hope this version of curiosity infiltrates my life and intellectual approach.

While I studied socio-cultural movements in history during my undergrad, I longed to experience a rich culture like Europe’s. I believe that a strong and vibrant culture makes a great society. Ian Leslie confirmed my historical affirmations with this:

“A society that values order above all else will seek to suppress curiosity. But a society that believes in progress, innovation, and creativity will cultivate it, recognizing that enquiring minds of its people constitutes its most valuable asset. […] by the time of Enlightenment, European societies started to see that their future lay with the curious, and encouraged probing questions rather than stamping on them. The result was the biggest explosion of new ideas and scientific advances in history.”

So, yes it’s clear that curiosity is important to all societies but what does it mean to be curious in one’s day-to-day life?

Leslie explains that there are three types of curiosity. First, there is diversive curiosity. It is the “restless desire for the new and the next.” It’s essential in the beginning stages of learning for both children (such as eating dirt) and adults (like checking twitter every 20 minutes). Diversive curiosity encourages us to seek out new experiences and meet new people. However, if it is not given time to grow it can be a terrible waste of time. The knowledge can be found in passing, forgotten soon after being discovered, and then nothing is gained. But, it’s a lot of fun and can often lead one down a road to greater discovery.

The gold in the treasure chest and the next level up from diversive is epistemic curiosity. It is a deep and meaningful search for answers that nourishes the human psyche and drives great societal achievements (such as landing a robot on Mars). Leslie argues that both forms of curiosity have always been with humans but it wasn’t until the modern era that epistemic curiosity really flourished. He says that the invention of the printing press allowed people to read, share, and combine ideas. Paired with the industrial revolution that gave people the extra time to think and experiment.

And the third is empathic curiosity, which is curiosity about the thoughts and feelings of others. This isn’t gossip but genuinely imagining yourself in another’s position and try to see things from their perspective.

All in all, curiosity is social and contagious. As is incuriosity – dum, dum, duuuum.

After the reader is introduced to the different types of curiosity, Leslie delves into the implications of curiosity in learning and our everyday lives.

I particularly liked the section on the importance of curiosity in kids. I’m not planning to have kids any time soon and quite frankly the idea of raising a child frightens me. But, Leslie’s information on how children learn and how curiosity can be used to cultivate independent thinking made me wonder if there might be hope for me as a future parent yet. Now, I plan to be patient and helpful with the strange questions from the toddlers that belong to my friends.

I even put some of the ideas in this book to the test in my professional life. One morning, my co-workers and I received an email from an upset client. Things were said and there was the potential for comments to be taken out of context. Leslie argues that it’s important to ask questions when in negotiation because it’s an opportunity to see what you may have not considered but is an underlying issue to the task ahead. It sounds simple, but often no one asks, “Why?” and ends up using their own perspective to decide what was implied by the speaker. This ends in miscommunication and possibly a missed desirable outcome for everyone involved.

To lower the tension of the situation, I suggested we try this approach and we simply asked, “Why are you feeling this way?” The client responded with less anger and more openness after a moment to reflect. The tone of the conversation went on the upswing and we gained insight into the client’s previously unspoken concerns.

To wrap it up, because this is getting long but I could talk about this book for a good hour with almost anyone, Leslie discusses how the vast amount of information available on the internet has had ill effect on curiosity. I bet you are a bit surprised. A study by James Evans of the University of Chicago was used as an example. Evans has found that the broadening of information online has led to a ‘narrowing of science in scholarship’.

In his study of 45 million scholarly articles spanning between the years of 1945 to 2005, he expected there would be a larger array of citations and research in the academic papers once the internet was introduced but that was not the case. He believes this is due to the ratchet effect of search engines where popular articles get a higher rating in the search engine and create a consensus of what articles are important and those that are not. The same articles continue to show up and the lesser known sources are harder to discover. The tidy and efficient way of researching online has had a shrinking effect on investigation.

In the end, this book provides a lot to think about regarding human nature and our capabilities. Leslie believes that currently curiosity throughout the world is experiencing a lull. I hope my generation and those after can prove him wrong…